Sexy Jokes

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going."
He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free".
He pondered that. Then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and his wife.
She said "And just where do you think you are going ?"
He replied "I'm going too". "Why ?" she asked...
He said "I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"...

young man watched an elderly couple sit down to lunch at a restaurant. He noticed that they had ordered one meal and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the old man carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries – one for him, one for her, until each had an even number. Then the old man poured half the soft drink into the extra cup and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat and his wife sat watching with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man hesitated, then approached the couple and asked if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they wouldn't have to split theirs.
The old man said, "Oh no. We've been married for 50 years, and everything has always been, and always will be shared 50-50."
The young man asked the old woman if she was going to eat. "Later," she replied. "It's his turn with the teeth."

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast, bacon eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? An Aitken's buttery? Grapefruit with ginger and coffee to follow?
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. A bowl of homemade soup, maybe, with (mmmm) a cheese sandwich? Perhaps a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."
Come teatime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. Maybe a red pudding or a steak pie? Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved? Or a tasty stir fry that would only take a couple of minutes?
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."
"Well," she says, "would you mind getting off me? I'm starving!"

Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife
The reply....
Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.
When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

A man is talking to his best friend about married life.

"You know," he says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there's always that doubt."

His friend says, "Yeah, I know what you mean."

A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.

"While I'm away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there's always that doubt."

The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town.

Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.

"So did anything happen?"

"I have some bad news for you," says the friend.

"The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light."

"Then what happened?" says the man.

"I don't know. It was too dark to see."

"Damn, you see what I mean? There's always that doubt."


The Camel
A Captain in the foreign legion was transfered to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sargent leading the tour, "What's the camel for?". The Sargent replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sargent, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sargent, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sargent replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
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Italian Spelling
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following; "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."
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Sweatshirts
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

This guy enters a restaurant, and orders a milkshake, "Not too thick, not too thin, but in the groove man, in the groove." The cook hears this and gets pissed off, but sends him the milkshake. The guy then orders a box of fries, "Not too crisp, not too soft, but in the groove man, in the groove." The cook is getting really pissed off at this, but he rolls up his sleeves and gets him the box of fries. Then the guy orders a hamburger, "Not too big, not too small, but in the groove man, in the groove." On hearing this, the cook storms out and charges up to the guy, and says, "You can just kiss my ass *or butt, whatever is appropriate*, not too much to the left, not too much to the right, but in the groove man, in the grooove.
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This next one is a bit mean-spirited and I don't agree with it, but it is
kinda funny:
How can you tell when a woman is going to say something intelligent? She starts out with "a man once said......"
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This burglar is breaking into some house at night. Sneaking around he suddenly hears: "Jesus is watching you!". The burglar is shocked, ducks down, remains silent for a while, but nothing happens. After a minute or so he decides to continue his search for the jewelery, so he gets up again. Again he hears, but a little louder and more like a warning: "Jesus is still watching you!". "Good heavens!" he thinks, "What's going on here?". He still doesn't dare to use his torch though. Silently he strafes backward and again -and really loud this time-: "Jesus is *really* watching you!". Ok, this guy is almost getting a heart attack and switches on his Maglite. After a little looking around he detects this parrot.

Burglar: "A parrot?"
Parrot: "Yes, that's me!"
Burglar: "You can talk pretty well"
Parrot: "Yes, I'm already 50 years of age"
Burglar: "Phew that's not bad! You live here?"
Parrot: "Yep!"
Burglar: "Gosh I really thought something weird was going on here! What's your name?"
Parrot: "Henry"
Burglar: "Henry? That's a weird name for a parrot?"
Parrot: "Not as weird as 'Jesus' for a rottweiler!"
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Comforting advice.
"Relax, pal, we all masturbate...I masturbate, you masturbate, we all masturbate...at Boy Scout Camp, we had a masturbation contest, I finished first and third."
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Wildest sermon ever heard:
"The last time I worked in the South, I worked in Knoxville, Tennessee. It's about 1957 in Knoxville. I drove down, and I got lost...and I was driving around the outskirts of Knoxville, which is redundant...

I pulled into a town I couldn't believe still existed in the eighties. A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually said "General Store", and that was it. There was a little old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking chair...
I said to him, "What do you folks do around here?"
He said, "We don't do nothin' but hunt n' phuck."
I said, "What do you hunt?"
He said, "Somethin' to phuck." "
Why do hummingbirds hum?"
"Why?"
"Because they don't know the words."
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Did you know O. J. Simpson belonged to a fraternity?
Yeah, D. Kappa Teta
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A guy gets on an elevator with a big, fat woman.
He says, "Can I smell your snatch?"
She says, "No."
He says, "Then it must be your feet."
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An East-Coaster walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The East-Coaster is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the East-Coaster says: "What's that noise?"
More sex jokes than you can shake a big stick at. Not-so-clean, dirty jokes and sex jokes provide jokes lovers with hours of sex jokes jocularity. Absolutley no jokes about it. Jokes pages with jokes like these sexy jokes are jokes pages with super funny jokes.
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Q. What do a tornado, hurricane, and a redneck divorce have in common?
A. Somebody's fixin' to lose a house trailer. Ztyxrqpwvsq Qgwzhvxjyy
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Q: How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?
A: Three -- one to eat the possum and two to watch for cars.
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When the air traffic controllers went on strike in 1980, who was called in to take their place?
Why, Tattoo and Bob Barker, of course. Tattoo would point to the sky and yell, "Da plane! Da plane!" and Bob Barker would yell, "Come on down!"

1. OWN BLANKET
A guy's going on a business trip and he has to take his secretary with him, and she's really crazy about him. The first night on the Amtrak, she's in the top bunk and he's in the bottom bunk. She says, "Mr. Forsythe! Mr. Forsythe! I'm chilly! I think I need a blanket!" He says, "Miss Schmitt, how'd you like to pretend you're *Mrs.* Forsythe for a little while? She says, "Oh, I'd like that." He says, "Then get you own damn blanket."

2.SCARE ME?
A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switch when the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?" The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic) could you please do something to scare me?"

3. CLAMDIGGER
A young kid's in a shipwreck and he winds up stranded on a tropical island. For twenty years he never sees another human being. Then one day a beautiful girl with long blond hair, her clothes half-ripped off, washes up on a piece of driftwood. He explains to her how he existed for twenty years, digging for clams, and eating fruits and berries. She says, "Well, what did you do for love?" He says, "Love? What's that?" She says, "I'll show you." She shows him. Then she shows him again. Then she shows him one more time. When they're finally done, she says, "Well, how do you like love?" He says, "It's great. But look what you did to my clam digger."

4. HIS ASHES
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says "What's this?" She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." He goes, "Jeez...oooh....I..." She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

5. SUCK CHOCOLATE
A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."

6. ANSWER IRON
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?" He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and (hold iron to ear) shhh! I accidentally answered the iron." The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

7. STEWED TOMATOES
A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting seasick. The doctor says, "Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock." The guy says, "Will that keep me from getting sick, Doc?" The doctor says, "No, but it'll look real pretty in the water."

8. FAT SLOB
A guy goes in to see a psychiatrist. He says, "Doc, I can't seem to make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"

9. TWO EARS $25,000
A couple gets married and the wife puts a foot locker in the bedroom. She locks it, then puts the only key on a chain around her neck. For fifty years, her husband tries to figure out what's in there, but she always changes the subject, and avoids the issue. Finally, on the night of their fiftieth wedding anniversary, he says to her, "I've got to know what's in the trunk!" She takes the key, unlocks the foot locker, and inside there's two ears of corn and $25,000. The guy says, "What's with the two ears of corn?" She says, "Well, umm, in the fifty years, every time I broke our marriage vows, I put an ear of corn in the trunk." The guy figures, "Twice in fifty years, not so bad..." Then he says, "And what's the $25,000?" She says, "Well, everytime I got a bushel, I sold it."

10. QUALITY CONTROL
How about the stupid guy who got a job at the candy factory, working quality control, throwing away all the M&Ms that said "W"?

11. TOUGH TO PEEL
He doesn't eat M&Ms himself... He says they're too tough to peel.

12. FIRST CHILD
A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No! This is her husband!"

13. HOLY WATER
You know how to make holy water? You take some regular water and you boil the hell out of it.


14. GOT A DRIVER
Two bowling teams charter a double-decker bus; they're going to Atlantic City for the weekend. One team is in the bottom of the bus, and the other team is in the top of the bus. The team down below is whooping it up when one of them realizes he doesn't hear anything from the top. He walks up the stairs, and here are all the guys from the second team clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles, scared ot death. He says, "What the heck's goin' on? We're down here havin' a grand old time." One of the guys from the second team says, "Yeah, but you guys've got a *driver.*"

15. HAPPY PIT BULL
What has four legs and one arm? A happy pit bull.

16. OUTRUN YOU
Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second guy says, "What are you doing? He says, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it." The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear." The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the *bear*... I only have to outrun *you.*"

17. SHELLFISH
Why don't lobsters share? They're shellfish.

18. ATE MY SOCKS
Jimmy and Kathy are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night, and Kathy's in the bathrom. As Jimmy's getting undressed he says to himself, "How am I going to tell her? How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world's smelliest feet?" Then he throws his socks under the bed. Kathy walks out of the bathroom, and, too chicken to face her, Jimmy runs past her and *he* goes into the bathroom. Kathy sits on the edge of the bed and says to herself, How am I going to tell him? How am I going to tell my new husband that I have the world's worst breath? I've got to tell him." Just then Jimmy walks out of the bathroom. Kathy runs up to him, gives him a huge wet kiss, pulls back and says, "Honey, I've got to tell you something." Jimmy says, "Yeah, I know. You just ate my socks."

19. 50,40,30
A high school girls runs up to her father. She says, "Daddy, Daddy, I need fifty dollars." He says, "Forty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?"

20. SHORT RUNWAY
Airhead Airlines, Flight 101, is coming in for a landing, and the pilot is freaking out. The sweat is jumping off his brow. (Planelanding and screeching to a halt.) RRRtttt! He turns to the co-pilot, and he says, "Man, that is the *shortest* runway I ever landed on." The co-pilot says, "Yeah, and so *wide*."

21. GOT A MATCH?
Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes. At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific." They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiuful new family. I love it." They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"

22. YOUR CAT, TOO
It's Christmas Eve. Kelly walks into a bar and orders beer and a shot of whiskey. The bartender gives him a beer and a shot of whiskey. Kelly drinks his beer and pours the shot of whiskey into his shirt pocket. Kelly orders another beer and another shot of whiskey. Kelly drinks the beer and pours the shot of whiskey into his pocket. The bartender says, "Look, Mac, it's Christmas Eve, and I know we're both depressed, and I certainly don't mean to bug you, but my curiosity is *killing* me. Why do you keep pouring the shots in your pocket?" Kelly says, "It's none of your damn business! And if you be givin' me a hard time, I'll be breakin yer face!" A mouse pops out of Kelly's shirt pocket and says, "And that goes for your stupid *cat* , too!"

23. THERMOS
A guy walks into Dunkin' Donuts. He says, "Excuse me, miss...how many cups of coffee do you think this thermos will hold?" She says, "I think it's a seven-cup thermos." He says, "All right...give me two black, three cream and sugar."

24. SPOT
What'd the really stupid guy name his pet zebra? "Spot."

25. WALK AROUND WORLD
Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned.

26. AIRPORT
Do you know how you can tell the really stupid guy at the airport? He's the one throwing bread to the planes.

27. PUT UP SCREENS
Two guys are in a submarine. The first guy says, "Man, what are all these fish doing in here?" The other guy says, "I don't know. Maybe we should put up some screens."

28. QUIET PLACE
What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant.

29. TRUE-FALSE
A little kid's in school, taking a true-false test and he's flipping a coin. At the end of the test he's flipping the coin again. The teacher says, "What are you doing?" He says, "Checking my answers."