Adults Funny Jokes

A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?" The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!" The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't it!"
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Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."
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A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the fucking pots!"
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A guy goes down for breakfast and it is quite obvious that his wife has the hump with him. He asks what is the matter. She replies, "Last night you were talking in your sleep and I want to know who Linda is?" Thinking quickly on his feet he tells her that Linda was 'Lucky Linda' and was actually a name of a horse that he bet on that day and won £40. She seemed quite happy with the explanation and he went off to work. When he got home that night, his wife had the hump with him again. asing her what the matter was now, she replied "Your horse phoned."

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank fuck for that !"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"

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A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies.
"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.
"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.
"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.
He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.
"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.
The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"
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A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".

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This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!" she said.

"Look, don't worry," he said. "It will be quick, I promise you."

"Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it."

"I've already said NO, and NO is final!"

"Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowjob."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, 'Dammit, give him the blowjob or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep.'"

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There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.

She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."

The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.

"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."

"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.

"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"

"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.

He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.

"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."

"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"

He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.

"What do you want for some water?"

"You have to have sex with me."

Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.

"Do me here," she told him.

He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.

"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"

The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.

"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."

"Then lay back and close your eyes again."

This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.

"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."

"Eyes closed," he says.

Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.

"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.

One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"

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The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

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Two guys are in a strip joint, one is sitting in front of the other. A woman comes on stage and starts stripping. The guy in back, Paul, says, "Oh yeah, Oh yeah!"

Then the first guy turns around and says, " Hey Paul, shut up!"

Then two women come out and start stripping. Paul, once again, starts, "Yeah baby..mmmm....yeah!"

Once again the guy in front turns around and tells Paul to be quiet. So three women come out and start stripping. Paul is silent.

The guy in front says, "Hey Paul, where's all your excitement now?"

Paul says, "All over your back!"


These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years.

The first guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"

Second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I w a s a l m o s t m a r r i e d."

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more."

The answer comes, "Y e s I w e n t t o a d o c t o r a n d h e t o l d m e t h a t i f I
s p e a k s l o w l y I w i l l n o t s t u t t e r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.

"W e l l m y f i a n c e e a n d I w e r e s i t t i n g o n h e r p o r c h a n d t h e d o g w a s s c r a t c h i n g h i s b a c k a n d I t o l d h e r t h a t w h e n w e a r e m a r r i e d
s h e c a n d o t h a t f o r m e a n d s h e t h r e w t h e r i n g i n m y f a c e."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.

"W e l l, I s p e a k s o s l o w l y t h a t b y t h e t i m e s h e l o o k e d a t t h e d o g,
h e w a s l i c k i n g h i s b a l l s!"

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Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."

She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."

She says, "Thank you."

He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"

She says, "Go ahead."

He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"

She says, "Of course."

He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."

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These three teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night right after the semester started they all had all gone out on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same time.

The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud thud!

She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"

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A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."

She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.

He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?"

"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."


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A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."


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A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is nervous, and soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation. He asks, "Where are you flying to today?"

She responds, "To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." His mind reeling, he asks, "And what do you do at this meeting?"

"Well," she says, "We try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"And what myths are those?" he continues, choking back his excitement.

She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American man who owns this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish decent who make the best lovers."

"Very interesting..." the man responds.

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you! What is your name?"

The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto........Tonto Goldstein."



A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?"

Hot Sexy Jokes

Full

After losing his fortune, a Texas oilman decided to spend his last twenty bucks at a whorehouse. He entered and promptly went up to the
Madam and asked her what he could get for $20. The Madam gave him a lengthy stare and told him to go upstairs, last door on the left. He proceeded to march up the stairs and entered the room.

To his shock and pleasure he saw a beautiful blonde waiting naked on the bed. So he tore off his clothes and jumped on and started pumping away for dear life. Upon orgasm he noticed that stuff started oozing out of her eyeballs. He runs down to the Madam to report this and she looks at him, turns around and yells, "HEY CHARLIE, THE DEAD ONE'S FULL AGAIN!"

Pass The Disease

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He comes up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocks on the door. When the madam came to answer it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said he wanted to have sex with one of the women inside, and wasn't leaving until he got it. The Madam figured why not, so she told him to come in.

Once he got in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked her if any of the girls had any diseases, and of course the madam said no.

But he said he'd heard that all the men were talking about having to go to the hospital and get shots after making love with Mable, and THAT was the girl he wanted. Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the madam told him to go upstairs and go to the first room on the right. So he headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back down, still dragging the frog, paid the madam, and headed out the door, at which time the madam stopped him and asked him just why he picked the only girl she had in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others.

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. When they leave, I'm going to have sex with my baby-sitter, who happens to be very fond of cute little boys, and then she will get the disease that I just caught.

When mom and dad get back, dad will take the baby-sitter home, and on the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease.

Then when dad gets home from the baby-sitter, he and mom will go to bed and they'll have sex, and mom will catch it.

In the morning when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, and he'll have a quickie with mom, and he'll catch it, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!!"

If Your Family Tree Doesn't Fork

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!

19 Ways to be a Woman

1. Bitch

2. When asked "Is something bothering you?" reply "no" then get pissed off when you are believed.

3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.

4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.

5. Always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business, ie You say "It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend." when you mean "It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend whether or not it is possible!"

6. Whine

7. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep it's because he is lazy.

8. No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well as a past boyfriend.

9. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.

10. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.

11. Complain

12. Hate any bar he likes.

13. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. these are required gifts proving his love.

14. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all the stress of your life (also, see number 7).

15. Remember that ANY woman who so much as stares at your boyfriend must be labeled a WHORE and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quick as possible.

16. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.

17. Break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2.

18. Ask for help in some endeavor then become livid when it is given.

19. Insinuate yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in.

Buzzzzzzzzz

A woman was in her house, where she kept hearing a buzzing sound. The sound was really botherning her so she went around the house to investigate. The woman had a grown daughter of about 35 years of age still living at home, and as she neared her daughter's bedroom, the buzzing was louder. She walked in and there was her daughter lying on her bed using a vibrator. The woman said, "What the hell do you think you're doing?" The daughter said, "Well, mom. I'm 35 years old...a grown woman. And this vibrator is my husband. Do you mind? We're trying to make love."

A few days later, the husband is in the house when he hears a buzzing sound. He checks things out, winds up going to his grown daughter's bedroom and opens the door to see his daughter with her vibrator. "What the hell's going on here?" he asked her. The daughter said, "Well, dad. I'm 35 years old...a grown woman. And this vibrator is my husband. Do you mind? We're trying to make love!"

A few days go past, and the mom once again hears a buzzing noise...but this time, it's not coming from upstairs...it's coming from the kitchen! So she goes to the kitchen, and sees HER HUSBAND and the vibrator! She says, "What the hell is going on here?"

... The husband says, "I'm just having a beer with my son-in-law. Do you mind?"

Lines to painlessly end a bad date

I can't legally use the ladies room until phase 3 of my sex change is complete.

Oh my god that's my husband on that Harley!

Scratching crotch) Those little critters sure are itchy.

All the woman in my family get really fat butts after 40. Guess my turn is just around the corner

One more year and I'll be old enough to apply for a driver's licence.

Do you smell that? I think my colostomy bag is leaking again.

A woman needs a good swat now and again.

Can I borrow 50 bucks 'til my welfare check comes?

(After farting aloud in restaurant) Sorry, trouser cough..heh heh.

10 Times It's Size

The 6th grade science teacher asked her class, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered for a long time until little Mary stood up, angry, and told the teacher that she should not be asking 6th graders a question like that. She was going to tell her parents, who would tell the principal, who would fire the teacher!
The teacher ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Finally Billy stood up and said that the body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.
The teacher said "Very good, Billy." Then she turned to Mary and said, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
1) you have a dirty mind,
2) you didn't read your homework,
and
3) one day you will be very, very disappointed."

Sex in the street

A trucker was driving his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill. Just as he was starting down the equally steep other side, he noticed a man and a woman lying in the centre of the road, making wild and passionate love.

In total disbelief, he blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. He realised that they were not going to stop or get out of his way,so he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the front of the truck. He looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could have been killed!"

Eventually, the man looked up at the truck driver, obviously satisfied and not too concerned and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."

Very Hot and Sexy Jokes for U

Triplets

A pregnant woman with triplets was walking down the street, when a masked robber runs out of a bank and shoots her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies are okay! The surgeon decides to leave bullets in because it was too risky to operate... The woman had two healthy girls and a healthy son.

All went fine for 16 years, until one day, one of the daughter busted in her room in tears.

"What's wrong?", asks the mother.

"I was taking a pee, and this bullet came out.", replied the daughter.

The mother tells her that its okay, and explain to her what happened sixteen years ago.

A week later, the second daughter runs into her room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a pee, and this bullet came out."

Again the mother tells her daughter not to worry and explains what happened sixteen years ago.

A week later, her son came into her room in tears.

"Its okay!", says the mom. "I know what happened,...you were taking a pee, and a bullet came out."

"No.", says the boy. "I was playing with myself, and I shot the dog

The Bikini

Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands when a beautiful woman passes them. She's 5'10", 120 lbs, 38-24-36, wearing a string bikini with no tan lines.

The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly, and in a breathless whisper says, "It's women like her that sometimes make me wish I was a lesbian."

Tied to the Tracks

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.

"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

The 100 Rules To Being A Man

1.Don't call, ever.
2.If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
3.Lie.
4.Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike"
5.If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.
6.Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfiend's pregant, will you go out with me?
7.Drink MadDog
8.Play with yourself. Talk about it.
9.Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.
10.Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
11.Lie
12.Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help- don't ask.
13.Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
14.Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check you hair, clothing, etc.
15.If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "I don't know. I just don't like her personality."
16.If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises.
17.TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.
18.Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
19.One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.
20.Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
21.Say things like "Wha...?"
22.Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
23.Lie
24.Deny everthing. Everything.
25.Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me."
26.If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.
27.Don't have a clue.
28.If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
29.Yes means no.
30.If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.
31.If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise.
32.Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.
33.Feelings? What feelings?
34.Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."
35.Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.
36.Lie.
37.Keeping house is OUT OF THE QUESTION-live in filth. Babes love this.
38.DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer,leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."
39.Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.
40.At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia.
41.If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right.
42.Lie.
43."Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it.
44.A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
45.Diss your girlfirend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again.Repeat cycle.
46.Lie.
47.ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.
48.If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
49.Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.
50.Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
51.It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
52.Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex, semen, etc.
53.Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.
54.Lie.
55.Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
56.Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
57.If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.
58.You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
59.You are male, therefore you are superior.
60.Agenda for a boring evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
61.Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.
62.Don't ever notice anything.
63.If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.
64.Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
65.Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
66.LIE
67.If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.
68.Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?
69.If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."
70.Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
71.Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
72.If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven wrong, blame others. Come up with creative and believable excuses why they are at fault- not you.
73.Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
74.If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.
75.Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about sex.Compare with others.
76.Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud.
77.Lie.
78.General Rule: Different is BAD.
79.If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
80.Each penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the long run.
81.If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?"
82.Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.
83.Lie.
84.If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.
85.When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such a pimp back then."
86.Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave,and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell.
87.If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.
88.The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.
89.Practice your blank stare.
90.Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your ass. Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of your ass.
91.If you ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like rage and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again.
92.If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.
93.Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful than it already is. When people ask if you've been working out, say things like, "No, Baby,I was BORN like this!"
94.Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies.
95.Beer. Then more beer.
96.Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.
97.One word: FOOTBALL!
98.Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???
99.Diss your girl friends for an occasional night or 5 out with "The Gang".
100. LIE

Super Pussy

An old lady in a nursing home was really hot to trot one day. She slipped into her nicest dress (with nothing on underneath) and proceeded down the hall to find her a stud. She came to the first door to see a bunch of men watching the big screen.

She walked in, put her leg up on the lazy-boy and said, "SUPPER PUSSY!"

The men just turned, looked her up and down and shook there heads. Still feeling frisky she walked down the hall to the next room where she saw another bunch of men. One was playing the piano, so she threw her leg up on the stool and yelled, "SUPPER PUSSY!"

Again the men just shook there heads and turned away. She needed a man. So she continued to walk down the hall to the cafeteria. There she finds some men at a table. She throws her leg up on it and yells. "SUPPER PUSSY!"

Well this old boy stops in his tracks, checks her up and down real good, and says, "I think I'll have the soup."

Beer Vs Pussy

A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
Advantage: Draw.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy

With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.

Pussy can make you see God.
Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
Advantage: Pussy

If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal.
If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy

Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.

If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Draw

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill.
Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Draw

Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, Killian's Red
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Pussy.

The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: Pussy.

hot sexy Jokes

Dead Pussy
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

Birds and Bees
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

Making Love To...

How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher,a nurse or an airline stewardess?

A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.

A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.

And a airline stewardness says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.

what men would do if they had a vagina for a day 10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

16 years later

One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.

Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.

So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.

When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.

16 years later

16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"

"What?"

is it michael jackson

little boy : mummy is god a girl or a boy?

mummy: why god is both girl and boy

little boy: mummy is god black or white?

mummy: why god is both black and white

little boy: mummy is god gay or strait?

mummy: why god is both gay and strait

little boy: mummy is god Michael Jackson?
I pissed out a bullet.

So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.

Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."

So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.

Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"

The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."

"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"

Speeding

A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.

Officer: May i see your licence?

Lady: what does it look like?

Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.

The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.

The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.'

Tricked Him

One day this girl, who is wearing a skirt, goes out to play with her friends.

She goes to the park and meets a boy. They talk about climbing trees.

The boy says to the girl: "Go on climb that tree."

The girls climbs up and the boy just stands there and looks up to the girls pants.

After a while the girl goes home and tells her mum about what happened.

Her mum says: "oh my stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."

The next day she went out again with her skirt on and met THAT boy again.

He told her to climb again and she did.

when she got home she tells her mum what happened again and her mum says: "My stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."

The girl replied and said: "No actually I tricked him, this time i did not wear any pants!"

Newly wed couple

this newly wed couple were on there honey moon and where about to have sex:

wife: before we do this i have something i have to tell u.

husband: we're married now, u can tell me anything.

wife: i'm flat chested.

husband: i don't believe u..prove it.

So she takes off her shirt.

husband: holy shit i never seen a smaller chest, but i have something i have to tell u too.

wife: we're married now u can tell me anything.

husband: im "weighed like a baby".

wife: i don't believe you, prove it.

So he takes off his pants.

wife: i thought u sayed u were weighed like a baby?!

husband: i am 6lbs 7ounces!

Daughters are curious~~~
A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"

Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.

Without them we wouldn't be here."

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.

To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"

ff to Vegas

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed. 'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man. 'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free! 'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand. 'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife. The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

Loving on the Lawn

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighbourhood.

Suddenly he realised there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house.

He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.

"This is a brothel", replied the madam.

"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.

"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."

Very Sexy Adults Jokes

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