After losing his fortune, a Texas oilman decided to spend his last twenty bucks at a whorehouse. He entered and promptly went up to the
Madam and asked her what he could get for $20. The Madam gave him a lengthy stare and told him to go upstairs, last door on the left. He proceeded to march up the stairs and entered the room.
To his shock and pleasure he saw a beautiful blonde waiting naked on the bed. So he tore off his clothes and jumped on and started pumping away for dear life. Upon orgasm he noticed that stuff started oozing out of her eyeballs. He runs down to the Madam to report this and she looks at him, turns around and yells, "HEY CHARLIE, THE DEAD ONE'S FULL AGAIN!"
Pass The Disease
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He comes up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocks on the door. When the madam came to answer it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said he wanted to have sex with one of the women inside, and wasn't leaving until he got it. The Madam figured why not, so she told him to come in.
Once he got in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked her if any of the girls had any diseases, and of course the madam said no.
But he said he'd heard that all the men were talking about having to go to the hospital and get shots after making love with Mable, and THAT was the girl he wanted. Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the madam told him to go upstairs and go to the first room on the right. So he headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back down, still dragging the frog, paid the madam, and headed out the door, at which time the madam stopped him and asked him just why he picked the only girl she had in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others.
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. When they leave, I'm going to have sex with my baby-sitter, who happens to be very fond of cute little boys, and then she will get the disease that I just caught.
When mom and dad get back, dad will take the baby-sitter home, and on the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease.
Then when dad gets home from the baby-sitter, he and mom will go to bed and they'll have sex, and mom will catch it.
In the morning when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, and he'll have a quickie with mom, and he'll catch it, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!!"
If Your Family Tree Doesn't Fork
Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!
19 Ways to be a Woman
1. Bitch
2. When asked "Is something bothering you?" reply "no" then get pissed off when you are believed.
3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.
4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.
5. Always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business, ie You say "It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend." when you mean "It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend whether or not it is possible!"
6. Whine
7. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep it's because he is lazy.
8. No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well as a past boyfriend.
9. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.
10. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
11. Complain
12. Hate any bar he likes.
13. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. these are required gifts proving his love.
14. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all the stress of your life (also, see number 7).
15. Remember that ANY woman who so much as stares at your boyfriend must be labeled a WHORE and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quick as possible.
16. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.
17. Break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2.
18. Ask for help in some endeavor then become livid when it is given.
19. Insinuate yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in.
Buzzzzzzzzz
A woman was in her house, where she kept hearing a buzzing sound. The sound was really botherning her so she went around the house to investigate. The woman had a grown daughter of about 35 years of age still living at home, and as she neared her daughter's bedroom, the buzzing was louder. She walked in and there was her daughter lying on her bed using a vibrator. The woman said, "What the hell do you think you're doing?" The daughter said, "Well, mom. I'm 35 years old...a grown woman. And this vibrator is my husband. Do you mind? We're trying to make love."
A few days later, the husband is in the house when he hears a buzzing sound. He checks things out, winds up going to his grown daughter's bedroom and opens the door to see his daughter with her vibrator. "What the hell's going on here?" he asked her. The daughter said, "Well, dad. I'm 35 years old...a grown woman. And this vibrator is my husband. Do you mind? We're trying to make love!"
A few days go past, and the mom once again hears a buzzing noise...but this time, it's not coming from upstairs...it's coming from the kitchen! So she goes to the kitchen, and sees HER HUSBAND and the vibrator! She says, "What the hell is going on here?"
... The husband says, "I'm just having a beer with my son-in-law. Do you mind?"
Lines to painlessly end a bad date
I can't legally use the ladies room until phase 3 of my sex change is complete.
Oh my god that's my husband on that Harley!
Scratching crotch) Those little critters sure are itchy.
All the woman in my family get really fat butts after 40. Guess my turn is just around the corner
One more year and I'll be old enough to apply for a driver's licence.
Do you smell that? I think my colostomy bag is leaking again.
A woman needs a good swat now and again.
Can I borrow 50 bucks 'til my welfare check comes?
(After farting aloud in restaurant) Sorry, trouser cough..heh heh.
10 Times It's Size
The 6th grade science teacher asked her class, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered for a long time until little Mary stood up, angry, and told the teacher that she should not be asking 6th graders a question like that. She was going to tell her parents, who would tell the principal, who would fire the teacher!
The teacher ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Finally Billy stood up and said that the body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.
The teacher said "Very good, Billy." Then she turned to Mary and said, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
1) you have a dirty mind,
2) you didn't read your homework,
and
3) one day you will be very, very disappointed."
Sex in the street
A trucker was driving his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill. Just as he was starting down the equally steep other side, he noticed a man and a woman lying in the centre of the road, making wild and passionate love.
In total disbelief, he blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. He realised that they were not going to stop or get out of his way,so he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.
Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the front of the truck. He looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could have been killed!"
Eventually, the man looked up at the truck driver, obviously satisfied and not too concerned and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."
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