A pregnant woman with triplets was walking down the street, when a masked robber runs out of a bank and shoots her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies are okay! The surgeon decides to leave bullets in because it was too risky to operate... The woman had two healthy girls and a healthy son.
All went fine for 16 years, until one day, one of the daughter busted in her room in tears.
"What's wrong?", asks the mother.
"I was taking a pee, and this bullet came out.", replied the daughter.
The mother tells her that its okay, and explain to her what happened sixteen years ago.
A week later, the second daughter runs into her room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a pee, and this bullet came out."
Again the mother tells her daughter not to worry and explains what happened sixteen years ago.
A week later, her son came into her room in tears.
"Its okay!", says the mom. "I know what happened,...you were taking a pee, and a bullet came out."
"No.", says the boy. "I was playing with myself, and I shot the dog
The Bikini
Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands when a beautiful woman passes them. She's 5'10", 120 lbs, 38-24-36, wearing a string bikini with no tan lines.
The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly, and in a breathless whisper says, "It's women like her that sometimes make me wish I was a lesbian."
Tied to the Tracks
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.
"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"
"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."
The 100 Rules To Being A Man
1.Don't call, ever.
2.If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
3.Lie.
4.Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike"
5.If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.
6.Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfiend's pregant, will you go out with me?
7.Drink MadDog
8.Play with yourself. Talk about it.
9.Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.
10.Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
11.Lie
12.Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help- don't ask.
13.Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
14.Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check you hair, clothing, etc.
15.If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "I don't know. I just don't like her personality."
16.If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises.
17.TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.
18.Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
19.One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.
20.Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
21.Say things like "Wha...?"
22.Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
23.Lie
24.Deny everthing. Everything.
25.Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me."
26.If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.
27.Don't have a clue.
28.If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
29.Yes means no.
30.If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.
31.If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise.
32.Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.
33.Feelings? What feelings?
34.Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."
35.Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.
36.Lie.
37.Keeping house is OUT OF THE QUESTION-live in filth. Babes love this.
38.DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer,leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."
39.Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.
40.At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia.
41.If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right.
42.Lie.
43."Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it.
44.A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
45.Diss your girlfirend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again.Repeat cycle.
46.Lie.
47.ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.
48.If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
49.Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.
50.Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
51.It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
52.Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex, semen, etc.
53.Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.
54.Lie.
55.Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
56.Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
57.If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.
58.You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
59.You are male, therefore you are superior.
60.Agenda for a boring evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
61.Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.
62.Don't ever notice anything.
63.If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.
64.Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
65.Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
66.LIE
67.If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.
68.Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?
69.If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."
70.Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
71.Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
72.If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven wrong, blame others. Come up with creative and believable excuses why they are at fault- not you.
73.Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
74.If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.
75.Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about sex.Compare with others.
76.Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud.
77.Lie.
78.General Rule: Different is BAD.
79.If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
80.Each penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the long run.
81.If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?"
82.Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.
83.Lie.
84.If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.
85.When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such a pimp back then."
86.Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave,and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell.
87.If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.
88.The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.
89.Practice your blank stare.
90.Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your ass. Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of your ass.
91.If you ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like rage and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again.
92.If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.
93.Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful than it already is. When people ask if you've been working out, say things like, "No, Baby,I was BORN like this!"
94.Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies.
95.Beer. Then more beer.
96.Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.
97.One word: FOOTBALL!
98.Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???
99.Diss your girl friends for an occasional night or 5 out with "The Gang".
100. LIE
Super Pussy
An old lady in a nursing home was really hot to trot one day. She slipped into her nicest dress (with nothing on underneath) and proceeded down the hall to find her a stud. She came to the first door to see a bunch of men watching the big screen.
She walked in, put her leg up on the lazy-boy and said, "SUPPER PUSSY!"
The men just turned, looked her up and down and shook there heads. Still feeling frisky she walked down the hall to the next room where she saw another bunch of men. One was playing the piano, so she threw her leg up on the stool and yelled, "SUPPER PUSSY!"
Again the men just shook there heads and turned away. She needed a man. So she continued to walk down the hall to the cafeteria. There she finds some men at a table. She throws her leg up on it and yells. "SUPPER PUSSY!"
Well this old boy stops in his tracks, checks her up and down real good, and says, "I think I'll have the soup."
Beer Vs Pussy
A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.
A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.
Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.
Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
Advantage: Draw.
If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy
24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.
Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.
If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.
6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy
Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw
It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy
If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy
With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.
Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.
Pussy can make you see God.
Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
Advantage: Pussy
If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal.
If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy
Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.
If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Draw
If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.
If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: beer.
The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.
The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.
Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill.
Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Draw
Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, Killian's Red
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Pussy.
The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: Pussy.
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